Monday, January 4, 2010

This is the Post I Dreaded

I guess getting honest means that you have to put it ALL out there, even when everything goes wrong.

It all started with a nap.

The morning was off to a pretty good start. I swished and swiped the bathroom, brushed my teeth, got dressed, fed the baby breakfast and snacks and had been working on my weekly home blessing hour. I'm happy to say that I checked off quite a bit on my list, but didn't finish it.

As soon as I wrote on facebook that I was getting ready to start cleaning, I felt my spirit and enthusiasm start to sink. That's a very familiar feeling to me and it's very hard to shake. I'm not sure what it is? But it's that "dead inside" worthless feeling that won't let you just get up and get going...like you've got slab of concrete in your britches!

But I did it. I got up and got some things accomplished. But I still felt icky.

After I put the baby down for her nap, I sat down to read and pray for a little while. When I finished, I just felt listless and exhausted, so I laid down on the couch and took a nap...a 2 hour nap! I wasn't nearly finished with my list. And 5 hours later, still haven't touched another thing.

The thing is, I felt so mad at myself, that by 3 o'clock, I broke my fast. Not because I was hungry, but because I was anxious. Not only did I break my fast, I started binge eating on anything I could get my hands on! It was pathetic.

I wish I could say that this is rare and that I NEVER do this and that I am so surprised at myself. But the sad thing is, I can't. This is the norm for me. Heck, I'm surprised when I do do the right thing. Living clean and doing what I say I'm going to do and working out and having a schedule and a routine makes my skin crawl! I really feel bad when I'm doing those things and resent every minute...but I feel bad when I don't do them. Isn't it crazy? I've tried to explain this before and it's not easy to explain. All I can say is that I'm at war with my flesh and my stubborn will, and they are used to getting their way!

So here I am, so down about losing it today that I don't want to exercise or do anything else the rest of the night but take a shower and go to bed. The thing that gets me is that I'm not even a week into this thing! If I'm going to do this for a year, how many more days will I have like this one? Will I get to Jan. 1, 2011 and say, "Well, I gave it my best try, but I'm just destined to be a couch potato sahmbie for the rest of my life?" I'm not sure yet...but at this rate, it's looking like that just may be the case.

5 comments:

Angie said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself! I can definitely say that you are not alone, but I don't know if that will bring you much comfort.

For me, I will look at it like God looks at us, when we fail, we repent (which means to change our direction), no wallowing in our sin, and the Bible says His mercies are new EVERY morning. So do the same for yourself, let mercy be new every morning. Start over tomorrow as if today never happened. No guilt & condemnation, just don't quit.

God bless you

~Tami said...

Don't beat yourself up! Tomorrow is a new day! Give it another shot!

I just read a book about losing weight 'one day at a time'. It really makes since!

I am hosting a giveaway for the book. You might could use the book!

For now, let me share a tip from it: Each day commit to one small thing to better your health. Then keep the commitment for the day! It'll build small successes into so much encouragement and weight loss success. (Not exact from the book - in my own words.)

I'll be back to check on you tomorrow!

P@nmyfreetime.blogspot.com said...

Aww Angie I am so sorry you had a day like today.
I am so proud of you though for being so honest. I think that when 2011 gets here you will be able to say "I was honest this past year with everything in my life" and that to me is a HUGE step!

Know I don't have any answers but I did have a thought and here it is :
I know that you want to do the fast to give yourself a start but maybe a fast right now is not what you need. Maybe right now you need to pray and log your eating habits... and then see what happens in a week or two. Or maybe just replace a meal with the juice and then work your way up to the full fast.
Running around after a little one is tough never mind trying to make so many changes for you... even though we should be somewhat of a priority!
Hang in there and know that I am here if ever you need to chat!
{{HUG}} Patricia

Darcie said...

Yikes...I don't know if I have the answer here, but I will give some advice anyhow. Maybe just maybe you are trying to take on to much at once.

For example tomorrow for myself...all my kids are going back to school...my house is a mess...company has only been gone a few days...I have my part-time job I need to get done by Wednesday...got bills to go through...laundry to do. All of a sudden tonight I was starting to feel overwhelmed by tomorrow before it was even here.

So I told myself...focus on what is the most important. I need my quiet time in the morning ALWAYS first. Then I have to get to my job, and then the bills. My list is much bigger but I can only do so much in a day.

So maybe with ALL that you are working on...maybe you need to take ONE thing at a time. But whatever you do my dear...don't give it ALL up. You can do it...tomorrow is a new day.

nancy said...

Hi Angie,
I bet your body crashed because you hadn't eaten anything all morning. Maybe rather than doing a fast, you could try healthy, low-fat meals that you plan out the day before. I know that breakfast is a really important meal to eat as you need the energy to get through the day.

Taking care of a young child takes a lot of energy. You do sound like you did a lot in the morning. Remember to give yourself credit for the things you are getting done. I think meeting small, achievable goals each day keeps your days moving in synch,and flowing along, rather than trying to accomplish monumental tasks every day.
Also, don't forget that you do need down time, too. I think a nap is perfectly acceptable. I used to take a nap when my toddlers were sleeping, too.
Remember to be kind to yourself. Recognize all of those things that you are doing. Tomorrow is a new day!!