I guess getting honest means that you have to put it ALL out there, even when everything goes wrong.
It all started with a nap.
The morning was off to a pretty good start. I swished and swiped the bathroom, brushed my teeth, got dressed, fed the baby breakfast and snacks and had been working on my weekly home blessing hour. I'm happy to say that I checked off quite a bit on my list, but didn't finish it.
As soon as I wrote on facebook that I was getting ready to start cleaning, I felt my spirit and enthusiasm start to sink. That's a very familiar feeling to me and it's very hard to shake. I'm not sure what it is? But it's that "dead inside" worthless feeling that won't let you just get up and get going...like you've got slab of concrete in your britches!
But I did it. I got up and got some things accomplished. But I still felt icky.
After I put the baby down for her nap, I sat down to read and pray for a little while. When I finished, I just felt listless and exhausted, so I laid down on the couch and took a nap...a 2 hour nap! I wasn't nearly finished with my list. And 5 hours later, still haven't touched another thing.
The thing is, I felt so mad at myself, that by 3 o'clock, I broke my fast. Not because I was hungry, but because I was anxious. Not only did I break my fast, I started binge eating on anything I could get my hands on! It was pathetic.
I wish I could say that this is rare and that I NEVER do this and that I am so surprised at myself. But the sad thing is, I can't. This is the norm for me. Heck, I'm surprised when I do do the right thing. Living clean and doing what I say I'm going to do and working out and having a schedule and a routine makes my skin crawl! I really feel bad when I'm doing those things and resent every minute...but I feel bad when I don't do them. Isn't it crazy? I've tried to explain this before and it's not easy to explain. All I can say is that I'm at war with my flesh and my stubborn will, and they are used to getting their way!
So here I am, so down about losing it today that I don't want to exercise or do anything else the rest of the night but take a shower and go to bed. The thing that gets me is that I'm not even a week into this thing! If I'm going to do this for a year, how many more days will I have like this one? Will I get to Jan. 1, 2011 and say, "Well, I gave it my best try, but I'm just destined to be a couch potato sahmbie for the rest of my life?" I'm not sure yet...but at this rate, it's looking like that just may be the case.