First of all let me say that I HATE to blog about this stuff. My heart's desire is soooo to be positive and a light for you, but today I just can't be that and I really hate admitting it to you. I want to give you good news, that I'm doing GREAT and that I'm steadily crawling out of sahmbiedom, but I can't report that today because it would be a lie. But here's the truth no less.
I had a really rough day mentally. I don't think I've been as depressed as I was today in many years. I felt so bad in fact, that I literally felt physically ill...nauseated, ready to throw up.
A lot of stuff just hit me at once, ya know? It just sort of dawned on me today, 9 months later, that I have moved to a completely different state, to a new town, am in a new church with new people, that I don't have a lot of friends where I can just pop over to their house anytime I feel like it (which I used to do all the time), that I have a husband who is gone a lot for work and that I feel quite alone. I looked in the mirror and still saw a haggard, sloppy, fat woman staring back at me which just made me want to break it! It also hit me that I'm never able to "catch up" on housework. You guys know how I struggle with this anyway. So, when your two year old goes right behind your freshly picked up, clean house (which took all the strength you could muster just to accomplish in the first place), like the dang Tazmanian Devil, just because it's fun, man, it really wears on ya! It's like, what's the freaking point?!
I don't know why, but I just felt so hopeless today. I have felt bad in the past, but never quite like this...this was different and scary. I don't like feeling depressed. It's debilitating. You feel stuck, like you can't move...like you don't want to move. Like moving would be the worst thing that you could do. But God, you soooo want to MOVE! You want to DO, you want to GET UP. But it's almost like you physically can't. And for that reason, you beat yourself up and start hating on yourself because something is totally wrong with you. That you're lazy, disgusting, unworthy, helpless, pitiful, a waste of space. See, I told you it was scary. But this is what I was feeling today. Real can be ugly sometimes, ya know?
So I decided to go for a drive (what I do when I need to think). This was probably not a good idea given my state of mind because I had my baby with me. But I wasn't out to drive crazy or be erratic, I just wanted to get out of my messy, cluttered house and clear up my messy, cluttered brain!
I cried and drove and drove and cried. I didn't feel like listening to any music or singing, but I decided to try it anyway. I was invited to sing in a couple of weeks at a church in Knoxville, so I put in the songs that I would be doing to get in some practice. And as I started singing...through the tears...low and behold, I started to feel better! I know there's a scripture that somehow backs that up, but I can't recall it. But singing made me feel mentally and physically better! I don't know if I've talked about it much here, but I AM a singer and singing is my one true passion. I could sing all day every day. But lately, I haven't been singing at all...not even in the car. I miss it. But it was good that my old friend brought me back today.
When I got home, I still felt icky, but had a little more energy and decided to take the baby out for a swim. I laughed and played with her which felt good. Then I came in, made a great dinner, straightened up all the clutter, swept the floor, did the dishes and put her to bed.
It's amazing to me...how I went from pretty much feeling worthless and not wanting to get up off the couch to having the energy to do all that. And that simply "singing" was the medicine.
But please do say a prayer for me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Thank you my dear blog friends.
And thank you God for always providing a way of escape for us. Today, mine just happened to be out of my own mouth!