The Truth is Ugly Sometimes

First of all let me say that I HATE to blog about this stuff. My heart's desire is soooo to be positive and a light for you, but today I just can't be that and I really hate admitting it to you. I want to give you good news, that I'm doing GREAT and that I'm steadily crawling out of sahmbiedom, but I can't report that today because it would be a lie. But here's the truth no less.

I had a really rough day mentally. I don't think I've been as depressed as I was today in many years. I felt so bad in fact, that I literally felt physically ill...nauseated, ready to throw up.

A lot of stuff just hit me at once, ya know? It just sort of dawned on me today, 9 months later, that I have moved to a completely different state, to a new town, am in a new church with new people, that I don't have a lot of friends where I can just pop over to their house anytime I feel like it (which I used to do all the time), that I have a husband who is gone a lot for work and that I feel quite alone. I looked in the mirror and still saw a haggard, sloppy, fat woman staring back at me which just made me want to break it! It also hit me that I'm never able to "catch up" on housework. You guys know how I struggle with this anyway. So, when your two year old goes right behind your freshly picked up, clean house (which took all the strength you could muster just to accomplish in the first place), like the dang Tazmanian Devil, just because it's fun, man, it really wears on ya! It's like, what's the freaking point?!

I don't know why, but I just felt so hopeless today. I have felt bad in the past, but never quite like this...this was different and scary. I don't like feeling depressed. It's debilitating. You feel stuck, like you can't move...like you don't want to move. Like moving would be the worst thing that you could do. But God, you soooo want to MOVE! You want to DO, you want to GET UP. But it's almost like you physically can't. And for that reason, you beat yourself up and start hating on yourself because something is totally wrong with you. That you're lazy, disgusting, unworthy, helpless, pitiful, a waste of space. See, I told you it was scary. But this is what I was feeling today. Real can be ugly sometimes, ya know?

So I decided to go for a drive (what I do when I need to think). This was probably not a good idea given my state of mind because I had my baby with me. But I wasn't out to drive crazy or be erratic, I just wanted to get out of my messy, cluttered house and clear up my messy, cluttered brain!

I cried and drove and drove and cried. I didn't feel like listening to any music or singing, but I decided to try it anyway. I was invited to sing in a couple of weeks at a church in Knoxville, so I put in the songs that I would be doing to get in some practice. And as I started singing...through the tears...low and behold, I started to feel better! I know there's a scripture that somehow backs that up, but I can't recall it. But singing made me feel mentally and physically better! I don't know if I've talked about it much here, but I AM a singer and singing is my one true passion. I could sing all day every day. But lately, I haven't been singing at all...not even in the car. I miss it. But it was good that my old friend brought me back today.

When I got home, I still felt icky, but had a little more energy and decided to take the baby out for a swim. I laughed and played with her which felt good. Then I came in, made a great dinner, straightened up all the clutter, swept the floor, did the dishes and put her to bed.

It's amazing to me...how I went from pretty much feeling worthless and not wanting to get up off the couch to having the energy to do all that. And that simply "singing" was the medicine.

But please do say a prayer for me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Thank you my dear blog friends.

And thank you God for always providing a way of escape for us. Today, mine just happened to be out of my own mouth!

A Daily Schedule! FINALLY!

I'm not anywhere near where I want to be, but I'm taking baby steps...and this is a step in the right direction!

I've been tinkering with this “Daily Schedule” for a while now by actually living it out and seeing how it works and I’m liking it pretty well. So, I thought I would share it with you. Keep in mind that when you have a home-based buisness, you do not work the standard Mon-Fri, 8-5 model, so work in my business is more some days and less others, but the key is a consistent effort. So you will see that I schedule in time, but there could be more or less on any given day. And it goes without saying that when you have a toddler, ANYTHING can happen that we DON’T plan for, so I’m prepared for those days as well.

Daily Schedule, Monday-Friday

6:30-7:30- Make some tea or coffee, gather Bible, books, note pad, etc. and head out to the swing outside or out on the sun porch for time with Jesus. This is the foundation for my whole day…without it, nothing seems to go right. I’m trying to do this everyday, but must admit that it’s a struggle even though I LOVE this time with the Lord.

7:30-8:30- Baby up. Change and dress for the day. Also, hugs, kisses, songs and play time for a few minutes before we head through the house. GG watches a show while I get breakfast ready and start a load of laundry.

8:30-9:30- Eat breakfast, clear dishes and wipe down table (and child). While GG watches a show, I empty the dishwasher from the night before, start loading it up with the new day’s dishes. Lay out something for dinner. Wipe off counters and sweep floor. Put clothes into the dryer. After all that is done, then check email and social networking sites.

10:00-11:00- Change diaper, then take GG outside to play…bubbles, sidewalk chalk, slide, running around, etc. While outside, I can do a little maintenance in our flower beds and with the pool.

11:00-11:30- Come in, cool down, wash hands, get a drink, etc. GG watches a show while I get lunch ready and fold the laundry and put away.

11:30-12:00- Eat lunch, clean up, load those dishes in the dishwasher. GG and I pick up toys around the house in a tote and put them away in her room. Change GG’s diaper and put her down for a nap.

12:00-2:30- GG can take anywhere from a 90 minute nap to a 2 hour nap, so this time is very flexible. In fact, this entire schedule is flexible. With a 2 year old, it has to be. While GG naps, it’s work time for mommy. This is the time when I get on the computer, work on my site, make phone calls and do Gift Account Walkthroughs (called a GAW. If you want to send a free greeting card and have a gift account, email me). I also use this time to read positive books and work on personal development, usually outside in the sun.

2:30-4:00- GG up! Change her diaper and make her a heavy snack and something to drink. If we’re not outside swimming, then this is usually the time when I go and do errands, take GG to the library, Chik Fil-A playplace etc. to get out of the house.

4:00-5:00- Mommy TV time. I almost always watch Oprah at this time. But if it’s something really stupid, then I just piddle around the house.

5:00-6:00- Work on dinner and prepare for daddy to get home. GG and I pick up toys that are all over the floor before daddy’s arrival. It makes a difference in his day when he comes home to a clean house.

6:00-7:00- Because my husband’s work schedule is erratic at best, our dinner is never at a “set time.” But ideally, I like to eat between 6 and 7. This time again, is flexible.

7:00-7:30- Bathtime. Daddy usually gives G a bath and gets her ready for bed while I put away all the dinner stuff and load the dishwasher for the last time and turn it on. It will be unloaded in the morning.

7:30-8:00- Family time. Read a book, play, snuggle on the couch, whatever.

8:00-8:30- Mommy exercise time. Take a walk, do a video, ride stationary bike, whatever.

8:30-9:30- Do a little more site work, team trainings, GAWs, reading…work related activities.

9:30-11:00- Time with hubby. Watch tv, hop in the hot tub…just chill.

11:00 Shower, get ready for bed, watch the news. Hopefully in bed by 11:30.

NOTE: On Monday mornings I have my women’s bible study group from about 9-12. So this whole schedule is a wash on that day. We just sort of do what we want on Mondays.

Also, Thursdays are house cleaning days, which means, bathrooms, windows, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, etc. So, the schedule is revised a bit to allow time for that as well.

The weekends are free. Daddy is home and we just chill and enjoy each other. Again, if I feel like working, then I will, but it’s not required (the beauty of owning your own business).

First

Lately the verse from Matthew 6:33..."But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" has been replaying over and over in my mind, which leads me to believe that the Lord is trying to tell me something. Ya think?

So, I've been getting up a little earlier so that I can spend some uninterrupted time with Jesus in the mornings. And I'm really loving it! I absolutely HATE getting up early, but these times with Him have been so sweet that I actually look forward to it! I sing to him, I read the Word, I pray, I talk to Him and just, "hang out."

And the miraculous thing is ya'll, when I come in from this time with God, I am totally PUMPED! I start cleaning, I feel like exercising, I want to eat a good breakfast.,,it's like I immediately start putting order to my day.

You'd think that if I feel this good spending time with the Lord in the mornings that it would be easy to just hop out of bed singing at 6:30 in the morning. But it's not easy. My flesh RAILS against it and wants its way...which is that nice soft pillow and those warm covers and those few more minutes to myself before the baby wakes up. But notice...it wants SELF more than God.

Ah, but He is making it sooo sweet! Knowing that I get to hang out in my back yard on my porch swing with a cup of hot tea, the sun rising at my back and a song in my heart ("Welcome Holy Spirit"), with the SON OF GOD...it's irresistible.

So again, these ancient scriptures are making perfect sense in my life in 2010. If I seek Him first, all the other stuff just sort of falls into place.