Hey everyone. It's been a while, huh? I know I'm just writing and not standing before you face to face, but I feel kind of awkward, like I'm just running into you after a long time apart. Maybe it's because I have nothing positive to tell you all and I'm sort of ashamed of myself. It's the middle of March, nearly 3 months into my journey out of sahmbiedom, and here I am, feeling like I've sunk deeper than ever. I feel depressed, down, blue, uninspired, unmotivated, my house is a mess, I'm a mess. I promised I'd be honest and real with you on this journey and there it is. The truth. I'm failing. A lot of it has to do with extenuating circumstances from the past that keep plaguing my mind, which has been literally debilitating. So here I am...zombie mom...again.
I don't have much more to say. But I will do a better job at chronicling these feelings, ok? Not keeping my promise to blog about this journey doesn't serve me, and really just makes me feel even worse...like a failure. At the end of this year, if nothing has changed, at least I can say I've told the story.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I just posted something on my other blog "Happily Home" that was supposed to go here. But I decided to just leave it because I hadn't posted anything over there in a while either. So, you can read a post at "Happily Home" that tells how I've been doing the past few weeks on this journey we're taking together.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Eggzilla! And A New Web Fave
I first saw the Hungry Girl, Lisa Lillien, on the Rachel Ray show. She's a real foodie, and had these amazing tips and tricks on ways to save calories and fat on the show, so I couldn't wait to check out her website. The other day, I decided to sign up for her daily emails and am loving them. I learned to make these egg scrambles in a mug in the microwave using egg substitute and low fat veggies and meats (very low fat...as opposed to my other mug creation that was a total diet buster! see it here).
I used some leftover green onion, cilantro and avocado from last nights chili, and added some salsa to the eggs. In the microwave, it began to grow and grow and sort of turned into an "eggzilla" for minute there!
But after just a couple of minutes, it was done...all in the cup! I decided to warm up a tortilla and added the egg mixture and a little more salsa for a breakfast burrito. I even had over half of the egg mixture left, so I can eat it again tomorrow. It was very filling, despite being so low in calories, that I wasn't even hungry again until the late afternoon.
Check out hungrygirl.com and sign up for her free daily emails and tips and tricks. I think you'll be glad you did.
I used some leftover green onion, cilantro and avocado from last nights chili, and added some salsa to the eggs. In the microwave, it began to grow and grow and sort of turned into an "eggzilla" for minute there!
But after just a couple of minutes, it was done...all in the cup! I decided to warm up a tortilla and added the egg mixture and a little more salsa for a breakfast burrito. I even had over half of the egg mixture left, so I can eat it again tomorrow. It was very filling, despite being so low in calories, that I wasn't even hungry again until the late afternoon.
Check out hungrygirl.com and sign up for her free daily emails and tips and tricks. I think you'll be glad you did.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Struggling
Just wanted to let you know that I'm really struggling with the eating thing. I'm not even remotely trying to control it or change anything about it. It's getting worse actually. I'm not surprised by this. It happens every time. I try to change just a little and do better and I take 100 steps backward. I had lost a few pounds (from the stomach flu) and kept them off for about a month, but have gained back everything and am back where I was when I started this blog on January one. This is a pic of me out to dinner with my hubby on Feb. 14th, Valentines Day (rockin' the pink sweater and pearls again!)
I was hoping to have lost some weight before the spring. We were going to FINALLY have a family portrait made. Can you believe my husband and I have not had our picture made together since we were engaged back in 1996? And we haven't had a picture made together with our baby yet either? The sad truth is, it's all because I don't want to be photographed this fat! I know that sounds ridiculous. I mean, my daughter deserves to see her family together in pictures when she's older. It's just another part of the whole, "not living" thing. Not getting out there, not being present, not fully enjoying life...hiding all the time. But again, that's why I'm doing this blog. To get real, to put it out there and finally shed some light on all this darkness once and for all. I just need your prayers right now guys. I'm really struggling and feel defeated in this area. Your prayers are much appreciated and valued!
Now, on the upside, I am enjoying moving and exercising. Maybe it's because the weather has just been so gloomy lately that it feels good to get my blood flowing! Today it was a little sunny for the first time in many weeks and I wanted to go for a walk so bad, but of course, there's the baby factor. There's still no way I'm getting her out in 30 degree weather. But working out at home is proving fun until it gets warm outside.
I'm also proud of some of the strides I've made in my housekeeping. I've been doing some productive things very consistently that have made a difference in my home, like picking up around the house every time I'm up, even if it's just one toy or throwing away a little trash, it's helping. And I also got my room cleaned up, boxes unpacked and put away and have been making the bed every day. It looks really pretty in there! At my old house, the bedroom stayed "unfinished" for 6 years. It was a shame because we had a nice bedroom. I vowed that I would put some effort into making our bedroom comfortable and inviting AND CLUTTER FREE in this new house. And I've done it! It feels good. And I think my husband appreciates that it's calming when he comes in from work and gets undressed in there. I've even noticed that instead of draping his clothes over the stationary bike (which I removed) or over the dresser mirror, he is putting them away. Does anyone else's hubby do that? So, I'm doing some things that I'm proud of and it's not all bad.
I was hoping to have lost some weight before the spring. We were going to FINALLY have a family portrait made. Can you believe my husband and I have not had our picture made together since we were engaged back in 1996? And we haven't had a picture made together with our baby yet either? The sad truth is, it's all because I don't want to be photographed this fat! I know that sounds ridiculous. I mean, my daughter deserves to see her family together in pictures when she's older. It's just another part of the whole, "not living" thing. Not getting out there, not being present, not fully enjoying life...hiding all the time. But again, that's why I'm doing this blog. To get real, to put it out there and finally shed some light on all this darkness once and for all. I just need your prayers right now guys. I'm really struggling and feel defeated in this area. Your prayers are much appreciated and valued!
Now, on the upside, I am enjoying moving and exercising. Maybe it's because the weather has just been so gloomy lately that it feels good to get my blood flowing! Today it was a little sunny for the first time in many weeks and I wanted to go for a walk so bad, but of course, there's the baby factor. There's still no way I'm getting her out in 30 degree weather. But working out at home is proving fun until it gets warm outside.
I'm also proud of some of the strides I've made in my housekeeping. I've been doing some productive things very consistently that have made a difference in my home, like picking up around the house every time I'm up, even if it's just one toy or throwing away a little trash, it's helping. And I also got my room cleaned up, boxes unpacked and put away and have been making the bed every day. It looks really pretty in there! At my old house, the bedroom stayed "unfinished" for 6 years. It was a shame because we had a nice bedroom. I vowed that I would put some effort into making our bedroom comfortable and inviting AND CLUTTER FREE in this new house. And I've done it! It feels good. And I think my husband appreciates that it's calming when he comes in from work and gets undressed in there. I've even noticed that instead of draping his clothes over the stationary bike (which I removed) or over the dresser mirror, he is putting them away. Does anyone else's hubby do that? So, I'm doing some things that I'm proud of and it's not all bad.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Snap, Crackle, Pop!
My new workout video!
I recently bought a new exercise video online, Denise Austin's "Burn Fat Fast Cardio Blast," which consists of 4, 10 minute cardio workouts, a warm up and a cool down. I bought this video because I loved that it included a "Retro Aerobic" routine with classic moves like grapevines, ponies and heel jacks. I know, because I used to do these exact same moves with Denise back in the day when she had a daily workout show on ESPN. I've always loved the way Denise eases you into her workouts with encouragement and reassurance. I hate those trainers that try to kick your butt right out of the gate!
Anyway, I watched the first couple of workouts (while I was sitting in the floor folding clothes) that included kick boxing and athletic interval training. Those looked a little difficult. Then I watched the retro aerobics which looked like so much fun! Just what I remembered. And then I decided to put away the clothes and jump in and do the last workout which was cardio dance moves. There were a lot of Latin salsa and mambo moves and hip shaking. It was fun! But I couldn't believe that I was sweating so much after only 10 minutes!
I continued with the cool down (which I always look forward to) and then it happened. The snaps, the crackles, and the pops! When I twisted to stretch, my back and hips POPPED. When I went to stretch my leg muscles in a lunge, my knees CRACKLED. And when I went to stretch my neck and back, it they felt like they would SNAP they were so tight! Boy am I out of shape! How do I know? My body told me so! : )
But you know what? It feels soooo good to move my body. To experience a greater range of motion than just what it takes to accomplish my daily activites. To stretch and bend and dance...it feels great! Now, do I like sweating? NO! Do I like getting out of breath? NO! Do I like having my face turn as red as a beet? NO! Do I enjoy being sore the next day? NO WAY! But, do I like being able to walk up a set of steps in public without one or all of the former occuring? YES!!!!
I continued with the cool down (which I always look forward to) and then it happened. The snaps, the crackles, and the pops! When I twisted to stretch, my back and hips POPPED. When I went to stretch my leg muscles in a lunge, my knees CRACKLED. And when I went to stretch my neck and back, it they felt like they would SNAP they were so tight! Boy am I out of shape! How do I know? My body told me so! : )
But you know what? It feels soooo good to move my body. To experience a greater range of motion than just what it takes to accomplish my daily activites. To stretch and bend and dance...it feels great! Now, do I like sweating? NO! Do I like getting out of breath? NO! Do I like having my face turn as red as a beet? NO! Do I enjoy being sore the next day? NO WAY! But, do I like being able to walk up a set of steps in public without one or all of the former occuring? YES!!!!
See, that's my point. When you're seriously overweight, even taking a flight of stairs feels like a 30 minute aerobic workout! That's why this weight has to come off. I can't imagine being 35, 40, 50, (and if I make it) even 60, still struggling with this. What kind of life is that? One of regret, full of woulda, shoulda, couldas? Nothing seems worse to me than a life lived with regret. Is it really a life LIVED?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Coffee...My Alternative to the Gym!
This morning (Saturday), we were all up at the same time (rare). My husband had to go into work for a little while, and was getting ready, etc. So, I decided to make him a cup of coffee (very appreciated...it's the little things, ya know), and I had some myself. Now, I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I don't drink coffee very often, for this one reason...IT MAKES ME SWEAT LIKE CRAZY! And this morning was no exception. And this wasn't even strong coffee. As a matter of fact, my coffee is more like milk with little splash of coffee. But for some reason, coffee makes me very hot (you're asking, "How could you get much hotter?" joke!) and makes me sweat. So much so, I had to take a shower just after just 2 cups of my milk/coffee concoction!
I've always had this problem. The few times I've drank alcohol, I've had the same reaction. I'm just wondering why? I did a little reading online before I sat down to write this, and didn't find anything that satisfied my question. I mean, I get that there's caffeine in coffee and that revs up your metabolism, but so does Coke. And it doesn't make me sweat...and I drink a LOT of Coke. I also understand that it's hot (duh), but so is hot tea and hot chocolate, and those don't make me sweat either. So, I'm at a loss.
The only silver lining I can come up with is that if coffee makes me work up a sweat, then maybe I should drink it instead of working out! I seem to be getting the same result! That makes sense, right? I didn't think you'd agree.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Great Day in the Mornin'!
What is it about getting a good start early in the morning that puts you in the mood to be more productive?
Oh, and if you've never heard the saying that I used for my title, I guess all I can say it's a thing I've heard all my life down here in the South. You say it when you're surprised or in shock or are making some sort of exclamation! For example, "Great day in the mornin! Angie got up before noon!" LOL
This morning I got up with this thought on my mind "...today is the only day I have, so I want to make good choices for today only!" So, I got up before the baby (I usually sleep until she gets up) and went into the living room and turned on an exercise program from "On Demand." I did a few minutes of yoga stretching and a few minutes of kick boxing. In all, I could only do about 10 minutes before I was huffing and puffing and hurting. But something is better than nothing, right? Well, because I was sweaty from just that 10 minutes, I hopped in the shower...and even shaved my legs! Now that's saying something (you ladies know what I'm talking about...that gets neglected during the winter months! LOL)! Now, me taking a shower first thing in the morning is REALLY odd! But I was on a roll!
Well, by then, the baby had woken up, so I got her up and changed and immediately went into the kitchen to make her breakfast. I usually plop down on the couch with her and get on the computer immediately while she watches a cartoon. But I didn't today. I made her breakfast and then straightened up a little in the kitchen. While in there, I realized that my husband had not taken out the 3 bags of trash I put out for him for trash day...which meant he didn't haul the container to the curb! Arghh! So, after I fed the baby her blueberry waffle, I got dressed (in matching clothes), put on some tennis shoes and hauled out the trash to the curb in about 3 inches of snow while it was raining! Yeah...fun.
So, I came in, and THEN plopped down on the couch for some computer time. I just updated my fb status, checked some emails and approved some blog comments, which all took about 15 minutes, then I was off.
I decided that I was hungry, so I made myself a good breakfast. And not just the usual Capt. Crunch that I usually make. I had some leftover sausage links from the weekend's breakfast, and some tortillas, so I decided to make breakfast burritos. So, I chopped some onion, green pepper and cut up the leftover sausage and sauteed those in a pan. Then added a couple of beaten eggs. I rolled all that up in two warmed tortillas, added some salsa and sour cream and had a very nice, filling breakfast! I looked up at the clock and it was only 10:00am!
I couldn't believe I had done all that and it was not even close to noon! No wonder my grandmother (who is my homemaking hero) would always plop down in her favorite chair with a nice cup of coffee at 11:00am to watch the Price is Right, she had been up since 6am, cleaning and getting things done around the house and needed a much deserved break! Then, from 1-4pm, she watches her "stories," and is back up after that to get dinner started and piddle around on whatever else she can find to do! She's amazing!
So I guess I shouldn't feel so guilty about the time I spend on the computer in the afternoon when the baby is asleep. But the difference between my grandmother and me, is that she gets up early, works quickly and efficiently and gets a lot done before noon. And I get up late, do nothing all morning, and still want time for "myself" in the afternoon. But today was different! I did get a lot done this morning and feel very at peace with taking a few minutes for myself.
So I ask again...what is it about getting a good, early start that just sets us up for success for the day? I know God told us to...I guess He knows the answer to that question, so I should ask Him, right?
Oh, and if you've never heard the saying that I used for my title, I guess all I can say it's a thing I've heard all my life down here in the South. You say it when you're surprised or in shock or are making some sort of exclamation! For example, "Great day in the mornin! Angie got up before noon!" LOL
This morning I got up with this thought on my mind "...today is the only day I have, so I want to make good choices for today only!" So, I got up before the baby (I usually sleep until she gets up) and went into the living room and turned on an exercise program from "On Demand." I did a few minutes of yoga stretching and a few minutes of kick boxing. In all, I could only do about 10 minutes before I was huffing and puffing and hurting. But something is better than nothing, right? Well, because I was sweaty from just that 10 minutes, I hopped in the shower...and even shaved my legs! Now that's saying something (you ladies know what I'm talking about...that gets neglected during the winter months! LOL)! Now, me taking a shower first thing in the morning is REALLY odd! But I was on a roll!
Well, by then, the baby had woken up, so I got her up and changed and immediately went into the kitchen to make her breakfast. I usually plop down on the couch with her and get on the computer immediately while she watches a cartoon. But I didn't today. I made her breakfast and then straightened up a little in the kitchen. While in there, I realized that my husband had not taken out the 3 bags of trash I put out for him for trash day...which meant he didn't haul the container to the curb! Arghh! So, after I fed the baby her blueberry waffle, I got dressed (in matching clothes), put on some tennis shoes and hauled out the trash to the curb in about 3 inches of snow while it was raining! Yeah...fun.
So, I came in, and THEN plopped down on the couch for some computer time. I just updated my fb status, checked some emails and approved some blog comments, which all took about 15 minutes, then I was off.
I decided that I was hungry, so I made myself a good breakfast. And not just the usual Capt. Crunch that I usually make. I had some leftover sausage links from the weekend's breakfast, and some tortillas, so I decided to make breakfast burritos. So, I chopped some onion, green pepper and cut up the leftover sausage and sauteed those in a pan. Then added a couple of beaten eggs. I rolled all that up in two warmed tortillas, added some salsa and sour cream and had a very nice, filling breakfast! I looked up at the clock and it was only 10:00am!
I couldn't believe I had done all that and it was not even close to noon! No wonder my grandmother (who is my homemaking hero) would always plop down in her favorite chair with a nice cup of coffee at 11:00am to watch the Price is Right, she had been up since 6am, cleaning and getting things done around the house and needed a much deserved break! Then, from 1-4pm, she watches her "stories," and is back up after that to get dinner started and piddle around on whatever else she can find to do! She's amazing!
So I guess I shouldn't feel so guilty about the time I spend on the computer in the afternoon when the baby is asleep. But the difference between my grandmother and me, is that she gets up early, works quickly and efficiently and gets a lot done before noon. And I get up late, do nothing all morning, and still want time for "myself" in the afternoon. But today was different! I did get a lot done this morning and feel very at peace with taking a few minutes for myself.
So I ask again...what is it about getting a good, early start that just sets us up for success for the day? I know God told us to...I guess He knows the answer to that question, so I should ask Him, right?
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